For the last 9 months or so, I’ve been regularly utilizing the Chicago Transit Authority (CTA) for most of my transportation needs. I’m the kind of person that typically learns what to do in a given situation by watching others. I’ve also made several, general observations about the state of the service. I’d like to share what I’ve learned. If you’re a Chicago resident, then just think of these “tips and observations” as a quick refresher. If you’re not a Chicago resident, then hopefully you can utilize the information I’ve compiled, and if/when you come to town, use it to blend in seamlessly with those around you.
1. Regardless of which way you’re going, there will always be at least 3-4 buses/trains going in the opposite direction before yours arrives. The proper reaction is to huff loudly and let others know you’re frustrated.
2. Waiting 20 minutes for a bus/train that runs every 6-7 minutes is the norm. Waiting 30-40 minutes for a bus/train that runs every 6-7 minutes is not uncommon. However, no matter how long you wait and how angry you become, once the bus/train arrives you will docilely take your seat and say nothing.
3. The length of the wait for a bus/train is inversely proportional to the dropping temperature. In other words, as the temperature gets lower, your wait time will increase.
4. If you see a bus/train coming and you can run to catch it, by all means do so. Push and shove women and children out of your way if you have to. You never know how long it will be before another one comes along.
5. If you’re traveling in a group and you see a bus/train coming, but a slow member of your party causes you to miss it, lashing out at him or her (either verbally or physically) is completely acceptable.
6. The seats are arranged in pairs. If you have shopping bags/a suitcase/a briefcase/etc., then you should sit on the outside seat, and place your items in the inside seat next to you-even if the bus/train becomes completely full. It’s much more important that you take up two seats than it is to make sure others don’t have to stand.
Acceptable behaviors on a CTA bus/train:
• Listening to headphones at a deafening volume
• Conducting loud, intensely personal conversations on your cell phone
• Sleeping
• Smelling bad
• Making a sandwich
• Groping
• Urinating
• Masturbating
Unacceptable behaviors on a CTA bus/train:
• Eye contact
• Chivalry
• Exchanging pleasantries
• Basic human courtesy
I hope this has been somewhat helpful. I’ll add more observations and tips as I learn more. I’m here to help.™
Behold, a pale writer. 